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Germany Calling
October 11, 2015

Joined: May 12, 2014
Posts: 683
Germany Calling

October 11, 2015

just back from a trip to Germany. Driving along Wolbeckerstrasse to Muenster city centre early morning, cop jumps out from behind a bridge and waves me down. Goes to the offside of the vehicle where "she who must be obeyed" is seated and, credit where credit is due, notices there is no steering wheel on that side of the car!! Unperturbed he looks across at me and says, "koennen Sie mich verstehen?" Had I been a bit quicker off the mark I would have answered him in my pretend chinese that I do so well. Instead I contented myself with a riposte in German, which translates as, "if you carefully enunciate your words there should be no problem". He smiled, perhaps grimaced. Anyway, he explained I was travelling at 64kmh instead of the permitted 50kmh and he would like to see my driving licence and my ID card. Naturally I had no licence in the car or ID as we had left all our docs in the holiday flat we had rented. He told me that wasn't a good thing to have done and asked had we had an accident how would we have been identified. I thought it presumptious of him to assume an accident would automatically have left us both unrecognisable but smiled back. I explained that in England police had ANPR which told them the car and the owner's life story including which political party they supported and when they last changed their underwear. he looked sceptical and replied that Germany was not so advanced in its technology although he did ask why I was driving a BMW instead of an English car. I decided not to tell him there is no longer any such thing as an English car. Anyway, he then said it was law to carry an Ausweiss in Germany. Yes; I told him we don't do ID cards in GB. Passports then he said. I explained that the Passport Office advises against carrying passports around unnecessarily in case they get lost or stolen. It reached a bit of an impasse to be honest and his smile had waned. He said I had to pay a 20 euro on the spot fine and could he please have my "EC bankcard". I proudly showed him my Lloyds Gold Card and asked what exchange rate he would complete the transaction at. Nichts, nothing, nada was the response, he couldn't begin to accept my British debit card. Suddenly, from nowhere really, I had one of those seminal moments, one of those once in a lifetime ideas. "What about CASH?" I asked. "Um, es ist nicht ideal, wir nehmen sonst nur Geld von den EC Karte ab" which basically translates as you are beginning to pee me off but needs must! We paid, we showed our car insurance and debit card as proof of ID and address and he let us go with a cheery wave and a parting "Fahren Sie langsam" goodbye. BUT people, firstly, the Germans have a sliding scale of fines that rise exponentially in accordance with how much you have transgressed over the permitted speed limit and secondly there are no points if the speed is not overly excessive. Converting what happened to me, 64kmh translates as 38mph in a 30mph zone. That would have cost me £100 (?) and 3 points (?) here or would it just have cost me £100 and a speed awareness course?? Quite a boring story I know but there again there isn't much else going on at present. Hope everyone is fit and well and enjoying life, Bob Lewis is probably squatting in front of a one arm bandit in some sleazy Vegas casino even as I type.

October 11, 2015

Joined: May 5, 2014
Posts: 555
Germany Calling

October 11, 2015

Welcome back Herr David, Jeez, that was some tale about nothing wasn't it - certainly filled the page up, all for 20 euros!! Anyway, good to have you back - I don't suppose you travelled back with Herr Jurgen Klopp ("JK" - heard those initials before somewhere !) did you ? He's certainly set the footie world alight, especially for LFC fans, the women are swooning over him, the press pack are agog , and the LFC fans are more optimistic for our future than we've been for many a year. I know you're not a footie fan, preferring that funny shaped ball that doesn't bounce straight, but I just thought you may have seen him travelling to UK ! I look forward to your comments re our  (USA's ?) reaction to Russia's involvement in Syria, read mine under "Labour" etc - it went off topic but merits your comments. In addition, how's about Corbyn - surely he cannot last as Labour leader over his "Won't press the button" cry, & his snub to HM the Queen, plus his throwback policies ? Anyway, food for thought, and I await your usual literate views !   John (JKW)

October 12, 2015

Joined: May 12, 2014
Posts: 683
Germany Calling

October 12, 2015

Thank you John, I did say that my epic saga on the 20 euro fine was a page filler!! It WAS the most interesting thing that happened to us during our stay there! Klopp's appointment to Liverpool FC has caused great interest in ze Motherland but no we saw neither hide nor hair of him. I have accepted your invitation to pontificate on one or two matters and I have read your on views. I think you will see we are not a million miles apart in our views!! Hope all is well with you and yours. Best Wishes. David

March 3, 2016

Joined: February 12, 2016
Posts: 36
Germany Calling

March 3, 2016

David ,I enjoyed your criticism of the Politzist,they have a typical German mentality. They do not like to vary from any thing that is not written down. Although I have met a couple who could visualise a simple solution to a problem that varied from the established norm. (Although few and far between)) I thought you would have known the German rules on identity cards. I wonder if we could get used to carrying an identity card. (As ex squaddies, we always carried our ID cards ) OR DID WE!!!. Most squaddies wondered why there were so many places called "Ausfahrt" whilst travelling on the Autobahns. When I first arrived in Germany, I asked someone how to ask for a light in German. I was told to say "haben sie firebucket" When I realised what I had said, I felt such a prat. But it never happened again. I can now "sprechen the broken biscuit " and be understood.

March 3, 2016

Joined: May 8, 2014
Posts: 1203
Germany Calling

March 3, 2016

Alan,you also had to learn about "einbahnstrasse" the longest road,and I never found umleitung even tho you were always directed to go there ......

March 4, 2016

Joined: May 14, 2014
Posts: 977
Germany Calling

March 4, 2016

And there was me thinking that "Ausfahrt" was German for "UK is leaving the EU!!!!" And "Umleitung" was German for "one of your brake lights is broken".......And "Frankenstein" was German for "Frenchman" Obviously I did not learn much in Germany...Hey Ho...

March 11, 2016

Joined: February 12, 2016
Posts: 36
Germany Calling

March 11, 2016

Nicht viel politzei translates to not much cop. Or kartoffel wiedersehen, in English = tatty bye. My mrs who was born a genuine Kraut, finds some difficulty understanding some Germans. When we applied for her nationalisation she had to swear an oath to the Queen . that could only be done in front of a Justice of the Peace. I wonder if all the new incomers have to do the same. She now has an English sense of humour, which in many cases is severely lacking in the German physche. O du lieber Augustine is the regimental revellie. Remember it being played around the quarters in Osnabruck

March 12, 2016

Joined: May 12, 2014
Posts: 683
Germany Calling

March 12, 2016

The colloquial German word for Anus is "After"; which makes selling "After Eight" mints difficult there. The German word for a puddle and that horrible Anglo/Saxon "C" word are REALLY similar just a single vowel and an umlaut's difference. When I was courting my now wife I went to her home, walked all the way from York Barracks in Muenster to where she lived with her parents,  she an only child, her parents both very conservative, it had been teeming with rain that evening. Got to her home, rang the bell, went in, her parents and 2 uncles and aunties had been assembled to give me the 3rd degree. Her mother said that my shoes looked wet, drawing on my then entire 4 years Grammar School German I answered that I had stood in a puddle........except I didn't!  I actually said I had stood in a "C". Cue stunned silence, lots of averted eyes, me in sublime ignorance. Luckily her dad broke into guffaws of laughter and said I think he means puddle. I was completely bemused because I still thought that was what I had said!! In a similar vein I recall Beastie Savage,  I think it was, telling camp sentries to challenge intruders with that well known German phrase, "Halt Oder Ich Scheisse! Very apt if you were that sentry and were alone in some of the outreaches of a spooky barracks in Germany at dark o'clock at night! Some words DO translate well though, "PimmelKopf" for Dic*head for example, Graham Pearce's (RIP) favourite German phrase was always "tut mir leid mein Pimmel ist kaputt." He used the phrase with alarming alacrity at every opportunity when in the company of Germans and I must say most took it in good humour, which only served to make him say it more often. It needs no further explanation methinks! My wife is completely Anglicised now and she only ever speaks German when she is mad at me, come to think of it she does actually talk German quite a bit still! "Rechts auf Meine Strasse" as they say!! Bis Gleich!

March 12, 2016

Joined: May 8, 2014
Posts: 1203
Germany Calling

March 12, 2016

Now looking back on how my Irish wife got her British passport ( citizenship) in West Germany ,why you ask ,well the Irish embassy refused to register our daughter cos I was aBritish soldier ( OK Tom stop laughing I was once) anyway were was I oh yes kid born in a BMH (Rinteln) a British military berth cert .No they (the Irish) would not put her on my wife's Irish passport, so RHQ got us an appointment at the Consulate in Hanover ,then it was take passport pictures,birth cert etc ,an oath ,sign ,wait about 30 mins and we had our daughter on a brand new British passport of her mums . Now my son (born Saighton camp Chester) has a British,Irish and an American passport and his sons have all of the above plus a German passport (mother is German)  talk about the United Nations.

March 15, 2016

Joined: February 12, 2016
Posts: 36
Germany Calling

March 15, 2016

When you move from town to town in Germany, you need to register with local citizens register office (Einwohner melder ampt). We moved from Bovington to Detmold. My wife need a new passport. We duly applied, but we were refused because my wife had not deregistered when she left Osnabruck for Uk. She would have to deregister in Osnabruck and then explain why she had omitted to deregister. This was before she could be recognised as living in Detmold. Luckily we were in a private hiring and living above us was a retired Zoll inspector, he arranged for my wife to be recognised as genuine resident of Detmold. How lucky "eh". Its not what you know but throughout life its who you know.

March 16, 2016

Joined: May 8, 2014
Posts: 1203
Germany Calling

March 16, 2016

Sounds like typical German efficiency Alan,back in the day you had dot the "I"s and cross the "tees" or the world would stop

March 16, 2016

Joined: May 8, 2014
Posts: 199
Germany Calling

March 16, 2016

Good evening all, once again out of dock, and bored beyond compare, forbidden to lift, walk fast, talk fast, etc so have been browsing the site, and noticed a few inaccuracies by one or two of the bretheren, I don't know where in your fantasies David that you have me sitting in front of a one arm bandit in a sleazy casino in Vegas . I am being presumptious of  course in assuming you mean Las Vegas USA. Fortunately I have not been nor do I an inclination to ever go to LA, neither do I have or ever had a prediliction for one one armed bandits. There is however a hotel called the Las Vegas just outside Lime Street station in Liverpool that does serve a good pint of bitter, but it does not have any gaming machines in it, enough said. Now Bob, you know how efficient the germans are or were until Frau Merkel, made that disastrous statement about accepting over 800,000 thousand ( migrants/refugees), but one Bernard Langer for long enough showed the golfing fraternity all about dotting the I,ss and tees.  John here we are again talking about Mr corbyn, (notice the little "c" ) because that is what he is, however these polls that all parties run show cons on 36% - 3, lab 36%+ 4,  lib/dem 8% -2,  ukip 11% +2 others 13% +2. T

March 16, 2016

Joined: May 8, 2014
Posts: 199
Germany Calling

March 16, 2016

finger trouble again, the first time in 18 months con/lab have been any where close to one another, I think there will be lots of political shenanigans between the two major parties over the in/out vote, the incumbent government will have ( a) the power to lie the most.  (b) the so called opposition will closely mirror that, so this will be story to behold. it needs the country to wake up or be woken up to what is happening. I see that the government have agreed to 1000 troops to be sent back to Libya as part of a  6000 strong force to protect the latest fledgling Libyan government, ring any bells there ?. I see the Russians have ostensibly started to pull out of Syria, bombers and strike aircraft, still leaving 2 heavily defended bases, wonder what Putin is up to elsewhere ?. Enough of my blethering let us see what comes up over this weekend, I think it will be interesting to say the least. bob.

March 16, 2016

Joined: May 14, 2014
Posts: 977
Germany Calling

March 16, 2016

Bob L, I hope you are well enough to laugh when I say look out for the REAL human bandits with both arms if you ever DO go to Las Vegas,cos they are the ones who can attack you, whereas the one armed ones you mention are just machines, not built or conditioned to attack you physically -withhold  your winnings (if any) YES, but no means of injuring you (except in your pocket of course). But you can just as easily be robbed by a one arm bandit on the pier at Llandudno... I know, cos just after Christmas we went there and the one armed bandit took both toffee apples and 3 sticks of make believe ciggies, rotten bl""dy t"eeves!!! Glad to hear you are back from the hozzy, take care, my good friend!    ( ps: Those footy players at the races the other day were only refilling their glasses, to carry on drinking..., southerners do not have real ale down there, it is only wind and P  !!! So they were only recycling...).  Tom

March 17, 2016

Joined: May 12, 2014
Posts: 683
Germany Calling

March 17, 2016

Good to hear you are out of hospital and back home Bob. I can't recall why I mentioned you and Las Vegas together as it was almost a year ago, there must have been some reference from you to have induced me to do so albeit on reflection maybe I mixed you and Bob Riley up, that's entirely possible. Anyway, it was very much meant tongue in cheek. I have been to Vegas a couple of times and thoroughly enjoyed it I must say, as for one armed bandits I won $10.000 in the MGM Grand on our first visit there by sticking a 25 cent coin into a machine as we entered the casino.The trick is ALWAYS set an absolute limit of what you are prepared to lose and don't let it get a grip of you. Anyway, as I said, good to hear you are home again, I hope you are recovering well. Best Wishes D

March 17, 2016

Joined: May 8, 2014
Posts: 1203
Germany Calling

March 17, 2016

Just reading hummpppfff yep I try to get to Vegas at least every couple of years but I've been fortunate that my oldest granddaughter loves the place ,so we've been there for the last two years. David the best I've /we've done is $800 and a free show /dinner . If anyone wants to experience Vegas use booking.com ,2reasons if you stay over 10 days you get another day free,plus they've some reasonable priced hotels of the strip ,we've used Silver Sevens and the MadiGras at about £25 a night ..........Further to David's comment nice to see your getting better Bob have to have a tipple or 2 in November (rum of course) and rehash your skill on one armed bandits!!!


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