Back to all topics

JOKES
June 7, 2015

Joined: May 8, 2014
Posts: 1205
JOKES

June 7, 2015

Sunday morning joke........man on plane sitting next to kid about 10 yrs old ...he thought he'd prove his superiority over the kid by asking ''what do think about nuclear power ??''......the kid thinks about it for a moment then replies can I ask you about cows,rabbits and goats eating grass ,the man sez sure ,''so cows eat grass and pass big pancakes ,rabbits eat grass and pass little balls/pellets and goats eat grass and pass loads stuck together , why ???'' the replies'' I have't a clue'' .....so the kid sez ''wow mister you want to talk about nuclear power when you don't know SHIT ''

June 11, 2015

Joined: April 23, 2014
Posts: 141
JOKES

June 11, 2015

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you

comfortable?"

The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the

airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds

out, she'll kill me!

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The

thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls

it the Dead Sea.

* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.

This time I was the one who sat on the bed and cried.

* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the

estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days... Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his

bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back."

Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"

Patient: "I AM 60!"

Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.

The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"

The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."

Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge.

The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."

"The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?

They're worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives?

They want to.

*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese

food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton

spelled backward is Not Now.

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In

Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from

law school.

*Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?

A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

*Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?

A: It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

*Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?

A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

*A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?"

Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son said, "That's terrible.  Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full

in case you should call."

*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had

two choices for dinner - Take it or Leave it.

*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has

a part in the play.

She asks, "What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher

you want a speaking part."

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?

A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance

to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: “They tried to kill us, we won,

let's eat.”

A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his

birthday.

On the next visit, he wears the brown one.

The mother says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street

and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days."

"Force yourself," she replied.

Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?

A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised?

A : Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off!

June 11, 2015

Joined: May 14, 2014
Posts: 977
JOKES

June 11, 2015

Freddy, It is the way you tell them!!!!  Tom

June 12, 2015

Joined: April 23, 2014
Posts: 141
JOKES

June 12, 2015

To be fair Tom it's the way I cut and paste em!! Freddy

June 14, 2015

Joined: May 8, 2014
Posts: 1205
JOKES

June 14, 2015

Husband and Wife shopping....him pushing trolly down drinks lane in supermarket ,special offer case of 15 beers for a tenner ...he thinks''great must have ''so he puts a case into trolly ....wife blows top'' No way a tenner put it back'' so he puts it back and continued shopping...next lane is healthcare etc.....wife picks up a jar of cream for 20 quid .....''shit'' he sez'' put that back''    '' Darling please let me have the cream it will make me beautiful for '' .......''no way honey ,the beer do's that at half the PRICE ''

July 1, 2015

Joined: May 8, 2014
Posts: 1205
JOKES

July 1, 2015

Hers a new one.......woman who is 3 months pregnant has gone into a Coma ( banged her head ) so 7 months later she comes out of coma..feels belly and says to nurse ,''my baby,my baby''......nurse replies'' your babies are okay''... woman ''What babies ?????'' ......nurse  '' You had twins,a boy and a girl about 3 weeks ago'' ......woman ''What happened to them ???'' ......nurse  replies '' Your brother looking after them ''........woman ''But my brothers crazy,''........nurse ''Well he gave them names had them christened  ''........woman ''What did he call them ????''......nurse '' The girl he called Deniece and the boy Denephew !!!!!!!''

August 14, 2015

Joined: May 8, 2014
Posts: 1205
JOKES

August 14, 2015

Here's a good one for husbands.......act one ,scene..hospital ward.....wife on death bed,husband holding hand saying "it's ok luv"........her "Jack I've got to die with a clean conscious "......him "whatever my luv"....her "Jack I was unfaithful with your best friend".....him "Oh".......her "and your brother"......him"eeerrrrmmm ".....her "also your dad"........him " Don't worry luv I knew,that's why I poisoned YOU "

August 19, 2015

Joined: May 8, 2014
Posts: 1205
JOKES

August 19, 2015

Here's a new old one.......priest driving home late night sees a dead pig in the road....so rings police...copper at end of phone ...yes father ,did you say his last rights ????.  No the priest says I thought I'd better contact his next of kin first!!!!!!

August 20, 2015

Joined: May 14, 2014
Posts: 977
JOKES

August 20, 2015

Bob, with a joke like that it is a wonder you are still free!! I would have called it the TRUTH.....but there again, I am not in the green isle!

August 20, 2015

Joined: May 8, 2014
Posts: 1205
JOKES

August 20, 2015

Here's a new old one.......priest driving home late night sees a dead pig in the road....so rings police...copper at end of phone ...yes father ,did you say his last rights ????.  No the priest says I thought I'd better contact his next of kin first!!!!!!

August 21, 2015

Joined: May 14, 2014
Posts: 977
JOKES

August 21, 2015

Bob, I assume you sent this joke twice just to be sure to be sure????? So when are you putting the Tipperary joke on here  then??

August 21, 2015

Joined: May 8, 2014
Posts: 1205
JOKES

August 21, 2015

No Tom it's the way I tell em,I go it till you laugh or in your case tell me to ####off

August 28, 2015

Joined: May 8, 2014
Posts: 1205
JOKES

August 28, 2015

Settings scene guy has just opened his new shop to the public.........about 10am a guy comes in and said (bad continental accent) "The viper vil be here in 4 hours " ...shop owner "what who????".....back to his customers. Then at 11am the same guy come again "the viper village be here in 3 hours". ......shop owner thinks "what the F"............this goes on right up to 2pm every hour "the viper vil be here"........by this time the shop owner is a bit concerned,loads of things going round in his head,   Anyway the guys back at 2 with another guy ,shop owner reaches for his phone ,When the first guy asks "do you vant your vindows vashing????????" Okay I'm getting better honest!!!!!!!

August 28, 2015

Joined: May 14, 2014
Posts: 977
JOKES

August 28, 2015

Bob, I would never tell you to #### off, you tell such good jokes !!! And I have known you too long to be upset by what you write or say.....Keep them coming...

September 22, 2015

Joined: April 23, 2014
Posts: 141
JOKES

September 22, 2015

Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon. An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West Ham United): "That will be ten quid, mate". What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!" The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"


1 2 3 4 Next

Total members: 261
Total posts: 4159